1. “Should I get my hair cut?” Yes? No? We like … your hair? If you’re just taking half an inch off or something, we’re not even going to notice (unless you already have your hair short … like half an inch
This is just putting us in a situation where three things could happen: We say “yes,” and you get offended because we don’t like your hair as is. We say “no,” and you cut it anyway. Or we both happen to agree. None of those situations are constructive and at least one ends in you getting mad at us.
2. “Which dress looks best?” Our answer is always going to be the one that shows off your cleavage the most and then you’re going to get mad we chose that one.
3. “Do you want to come to my mom’s birthday party?” No. We’re going to go because we’re obligated, but we’d rather stay home and screw around. Please don’t tease us with the illusion of choice. Just tell us what day it is.
4. Literally anything about your weight. Anything. You’re good. You look good. And if you’re asking, you’re not going to believe us anyway. Just don’t sweat it.
5. “Did your ex do this better?” As far as we’re concerned, our ex is dead to us so it doesn’t matter.
6. “Do find Jennifer Lawrence attractive?” Please don’t ask this, because the answer is “yes” and you don’t want to hear us say “yes” and we’re also bad liars. Plus, it doesn’t mean we don’t like you. It just means we have eyes.
7. “How often do you masturbate?” Literally anytime you aren’t looking at us. All right, not literally, but it might as well be. We do it a lot. And we don’t really want to talk to you about it because that’s weird.
8. “Notice anything different?” The only time you should ask this question is if you literally want your boyfriend to shit his pants for some reason. We probably don’t know, unless it’s something incredibly obvious like you dyed your hair a (drastically) different color or surgically grafted your iPhone to your face. Please don’t make us guess.
9. “Was that the best sex you’ve ever had?” Here’s the thing: The answer to this is always yes. That’s either because it’s true or because we’re lying. Save both of us the awkwardness of the question and just be content with knowing we’re going to tell you “yes.”
10. “What are you thinking about?” Something stupid. It’s always something stupid and the reason we don’t want to tell you is that it would take way too long to explain why we’re thinking about what would happen if The Incredible Hulk were drafted to the New York Yankees and they played baseball on the moon and we are also all best friends. It’s not because we were thinking of breaking up with you or even about you at all. We were honestly daydreaming about the dumbest thing ever and it isn’t worth explaining.
11. “Can we talk?” This is frightening no matter who asks it. If it comes from your partner or your boss or a friend or even if your fucking mailman knocks on your door and asks this question. This is shorthand for “let’s talk about serious business” and that’s never fun. This is especially evil if you add “later” to the end of the sentence, making us walk around all day in a perpetual pool of cold sweat.
12. “Are you still going to the gym?” Nope, and now we know it’s showing…..
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